


Notes From The Bathroom

by cdelbridge



Category: Sherlock (TV), johnlock - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:36:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28817193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cdelbridge/pseuds/cdelbridge
Summary: As with many men, the boys take their bathroom moments seriously.  Many men take a book or the paper to read, our boys also take their phones.
Relationships: Johnlock
Comments: 84
Kudos: 94





	1. Chapter 1

“John, what is the correlation to getting out of bed in the morning and having a bowel movement/combustion? And what in the world have you been feeding me? I actually got up to open the window. SH”

“Sherlock! It is not necessary to give me a blow-by-blow account (pun intended) of your bathroom issues! And are you sure you opened the window? The smell seems to be seeping out around the bathroom door.”

“I blame this on you! Before you insisted on feeding me, stuff like this just didn’t happen! SH”

“I knew this would end up being my fault! Before I started feeding you, you were malnourished! Wait a minute, you ate all the pornographic candy from your brother’s bachelor party???? He sent you home with two huge bags of gummy dicks and they’re all gone! WTF! And no wonder the bathroom smells!”

“Oh whatever John! I saved the candy cock-rings for you! And while we're on the subject of bathrooms, I was in one the other day that had a bookshelf as well as a fold-down desk. Think of all the things we could get done as we're wasting time letting our bowels empty! SH"

"No! Anyone who spends that much time in the bathroom has issues! Several different kinds. We have enough oddities without developing a bathroom fetish on top of it."

"You're no fun John! Have we become an old married couple? SH"

"Because I won't let you turn the bathroom into a second sitting room complete with bathroom fixtures? No, it means that one of us is an adult and its not you!"

"Oh whatever John! I could work on experiments while I sit here. I could solve the problems of the world! SH"

"Oh do hurry up Sherlock! I have to pee!"

"You could come in, it's not like you haven't seen it all before. As a doctor and as a husband! SH"

"NO!!! With my luck, I'd accidently pee on you and you'd discover you liked it!"

"Oh all right. I'll be right out. Unless you need me to hold it for you??? SH"

"Sherlock!"

"I'll take that as a no. SH"


	2. Bathtub Toys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John’s turn:

“Sherlock! Hurry home! I’m taking a nice hot bath and it would be really great if you’d join me!”

”You only say these things when I’m at the morgue, elbow deep in a chest cavity. SH”

”Well that’s a mood killer! I was really hoping you’d be on your way home and would climb in the tub with me.”

”What’s in it for me? SH”

”Well, besides getting to cuddle to your wonderful spouse, I was hoping you’d scrub my back and I’d wash your hair.”

”Oh really. I like it when you wash my hair. You have really nice fingers. SH”

”I know.”

”But is the promise of a glorious shampoo enough to take me away from a moldering corpse? SH”

”I’m naked.”

”So is the corpse. SH”

”I smell better.”

”I’ll give you that. Anything else? SH”

”I’m erect.”

”Really? The corpse isn’t, thank god. Prove it??? SH”

“I’d send a picture but the last time I did that, you showed Molly.”

”Modesty at this point in our relationship? This from the man who flung himself into the Thames, naked, to look for a clue? SH”

”Maybe I’ll just make my erection go away on its own if you’re going to be like that!”

”Can I watch??? Molly is across the room working on a brain, she’ll never know! SH”

”Do you think you deserve to watch? What’s in it for me?”

”A handful of spunk and yes, I so deserve to watch! SH”

”Are you hard?”

”Seriously John?!?!?! No! Wouldn’t you worry if I was? SH”

”Wait, how are you typing with your hand in a corpse???”

”I’m dictating my text messages. SH”

”So Molly can hear????”

”She said yes she can John. Explains why the tips of her ears were red, I guess. Never mind, keep your erection going and I’ll be home shortly. SH”

”Ok, bring the wine from the kitchen when you get here. And for the love of god Sherlock, wash your hands!”

”Whatever John! On my way! Add more hot water please! SH”


	3. A Case!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys have a case!

“John! What the fuck did you do with my curlers? SH”

“Excuse me? They’re wherever you left them! Try the sitting room between the sofa cushions. And what do you need curlers for???”

“To curl my pubic hair! It’s for your benefit! Duh, we have a case! We’re going undercover as ladies of the evening. I’m getting ready to take a hot bath, shave my legs, pluck my eyebrows and pamper my inner woman. SH”

“Wait, I’m in drag as well???”

“Yes, I thought that was obvious. Have you been drinking? SH”

“No! What will “we” be wearing?”

“Mini-skirts and no panties! SH”

“That could be problematic. Things dangle.”

“Just try to remember not to bend over! SH”

“One time! It was one time and you never let me forget it!”

“One time???? One time!!!! The poor people behind you are still traumatized! I told you to shave your arse but no! SH”

“OK, OK, I’ll shave but I’ll need your help! And will we have time for all this???”

“Yes, the prowling will take place later this evening. Stop on the way home and pick up razors and shaving stuff! And mascara! I’m out. SH”

“Maybe we can tie things so they stay in place?”

“You’ve lost your mind! Wear a thong. Although envisioning your junk tied up is entertaining. SH”

“Self-control Sherlock! And maybe some salt peter! You in a skirt always gives me an erection.”

“I married such a freak. Hurry up and by the way, our skirts are leather. SH”

“And there goes the erection....”


	4. So There I Was...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is cleaning the bathroom.

“Sherlock Holmes! Why is there a dead man in our bathtub???”

“Oh, I forgot to introduce you. My bad, that’s George. SH”

”Hello George. Now why the fuck is George in the tub?”

”Well where else was I supposed to put him? You don’t mind do you? SH

”Mind? Mind?! Fuck yes I mind! Where did you get him? Take him back! Now!!!”

”Really John? George donated his body to science. I’m science, ergo he’s mine. Surely you can follow that link.” SH

“I think my head exploded. Take him to the morgue! Now! Molly has given you your own table and refrigerator space! Use it!”

“But John! It’s so much more convenient to have him here! SH”

“Now Sherlock! Or you and your smelly friend will be sleeping on the roof!”

”Oh fuck me! OK, but when the delivery man knocks on the door, you get to deal with him. SH”

”Long suffering sigh. Delivering what? Or do I even want to know?”

”One hundred bags of ice. We wouldn’t want George to smell now would we? SH”

”I’m going for a long walk to cool off! Your friend had better be gone when I get back! And I mean gone from 221B not gone from the tub!”

”You’re no fun John! You know, if you’d wait for the ice delivery, you’d cool down just fine. Just saying! SH”

”I’m so mad at you, I think I just levitated! No! You have an hour! Deal with your dead friend.”

”He has a name you know! SH”

”WILLIAM SHERLOCK SCOTT HOLMES! Do not make me sleep on the couch for a year and cut off your supply of dick!”

”OK, OK. Go walk. I’ll make it up to you later. SH”

”I’m not even going to ask.”


	5. Trapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock is trapped in the bathroom at NSY

“John Watson!!! Get Lestrade! Im trapped in the fucking bathroom! SH”

“Trapped? What do you mean trapped?”

“Am I speaking in tongues? I went to the bathroom to urinate. The lock on the door is jammed. I can’t get out. Come and save me! SH”

“Lestrade is laughing and asked what floor you’re on. And if you’re on the fifth, you must have missed the big sign that said, “Closed! Do Not Use!”

”I didn’t see a sign! And even if there was one, which there wasn’t, get me out of here! SH”

”We’re on our way! Don’t go anywhere!”

”I hate you! Hurry up! SH”

Twenty minutes later

”What are you doing? SH”

”Someone broke off the doorknob. I’d ask who you pissed off lately but the list would be endless.”

”Look for Donovan and her disgustingly stupid boyfriend. They’re probably in a corner laughing themselves stupid. SH”

”We’re getting the maintenance people up here. They’ll probably have to take off the door.”

”I’m bored John. Want a picture of my penis??? SH

”What’s in it for me?”

”I bet if I masturbated loudly they’d move faster. SH”

”Let’s not find out.”

”Oh John,” pant pant moan, “move your mouth down to my balls!” Sherlock’s lusty baritone echoed off the bathroom walls.

”Sherlock Holmes!”

”Are they moving faster? The door is still in place. Maybe I need to take things up a notch. SH”

”Oh John, bend over and grab the towel bar. I’ll use the soap as lube! Ooohhhh!!!!! Right there! Let me angle my hips and I’ll hit your sweet spot....” another lusty baritone groan.

”Sherlock! Lestrade is laughing hysterically. Shut up!”

”Oh John! I’m so close!” Loud moaning. “Don’t stop!”

”Are you really masturbating? They almost have the door off. You’re going to be really embarrassed if they open the door and find you dick in hand.”

”That’s it John! Take it all in. Let me fill my thirsty little doctor right up.” More groans. “Oh god, turn around and let me suck you off. Oh your arse is so divine. Will you wear the garter with the bells next time??” Slurping noises could be heard from behind the door. “Oh I love the taste of your cock!”

”Sherlock Holmes!”

The last bolt on the door came free, the door fell into the laughing maintenance men’s hands and Sherlock was revealed, sitting primly on the sink, playing Scrabble on his phone and yawning. Only John noticed his erection.


	6. Will You Hold My Hair John?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock has a stomach flu, or something.

“This is insane, John! SH”

“What is that, Sherlock?”

“I’m laying on the bathroom floor, sweating my arse off, my stomach is in knots and I think I’m dying. SH”

“I told you that you might have food poisoning (not a surprise) or a touch of stomach flu.”

“Maybe I’m pregnant? SH”

“Perish the thought! You with morning sickness and cranky??? One of us would die and it wouldn’t be me”

“Haha. You’d kill the person carrying your spawn? And why aren’t you here holding my hair as I toss my stomach contents. SH”

“Please! If I were to lose my mind and off you, I’d never see the inside of a jail cell. I’d probably be canonized. Why??? Because I’m at Tesco getting stuff for this ailment. And I’m still not convinced this issue isn’t partly your fault!”

“Brief pause while I barfed. OK, I’m back. SH”

”How do you feel?”

”Oh delightful John! The only thing that could make this better is if I were squirting from both ends! SH”

”Sherlock! Why do I get to hear all about your bowel and stomach issues?

”Sorry but I feel too bad to get it up right now or you could hear about that. Although if you were to wear that French maid number again, I could maybe fake interest. SH”

”Pervert! OK, I have everything you could possibly need plus a few surprises.”

”You might want to get extra. You’ll have whatever plague I have in a day or two.

”Something to look forward to!”


	7. John’s turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has the plague

“Sherlock! Why are you not holding my hand as I die.”

“John, as you nastily told me, you’re not dying, I wouldn’t be that lucky. You have what I had. I told you it would be your turn but no, you insisted it was food poisoning! Are you sure you’re really a doctor? SH”

“Coming from a self-declared detective who thinks tasting things is the answer to life’s mysteries and who I’m waiting to poison himself, you have no room to talk!”

“I’m leaving NSY now. Want me to stop and get you something? Those trashy film star mags that you read when you’re sick? New red pants? SH”

“Oh, the magazines would be nice. Excuse me a sec.... I’m back. I could handle being sick better if it wasn’t for the vomiting.”

“Don’t make the mistake of keeping your mouth closed. It will come out your nose and burns like a son of a bitch. Mistake I made when I was little, not for an experiment, oh ye of little faith! SH”

“Ouch. So when you get home will you rub my head? I have such a headache.”

“But of course! I’ll even wear pants this time so my erection doesn’t poke you in the ear! SH”

“What a guy! I’m going to lay on the bathroom floor until you get here. It’s nice and cool.”

“I’ll put you to bed when I get there. Although if I remember correctly, you didn’t object to the erection in your ear as much as you did the cum. SH”

“Seriously! My ear felt crusty for a week! My stomach is killing me.”

“I’m on my way. Just don’t look at the floor by the sink closely while you’re down there! SH”

“Jesus Christ! What is that? Oh god, tell me later, I’m going to puke again.”

“Almost home John! Love you! SH”

“Love you but you suck for giving me this crap! Oh shit, not again...”


	8. Public Bathrooms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is out of town

“Hey Sherlock! What are you up to?”

“Cleaning mold spores off my hands and thinking of a new experiment. You? SH”

“I’m at the airport waiting for my connecting flight and I really miss you.”

“Specifically where in the airport, John? Because if you were to, say, go to the men’s room, I could show you my appreciation for all things John Watson. SH”

“Really??? On my way! What are you planning?”

“That would be telling! Let me know when you’re there. SH”

”OK, here I am! Now what?”

”Are you erect? SH”

”Getting there which is ridiculous as you haven’t done anything yet!”

”It’s a gift which I show restraint in using! Now find a stall at the end of the row, hopefully away from people but not necessary. Go in and lock the door. I’ll wait right here...... SH”

”Am I going to get arrested?”

”Always a possibility. Are you in position? SH”

”Yes. Now what?

”Rub your hand down your crotch and imagine it’s me. And again as you bring your thumb into play. Is there a wet spot on your John jeans? SH”

”Oh god yes! I’m so hard!”

”Rub yourself again! Up and down. Now take your zipper between your fingers and pull. Imagine I'm on my knees in front of you, undoing your zip with my teeth. Are you wearing pants? SH”

”Yes, red silk. Your fashion sense is wearing off on me. I’m so hard Sherlock!”

“Take your cock out. I can feel your musky scent filling my mind and my senses. You smell so fucking good John! SH”

”Are you hard baby? ‘Cause I’m imagining you on our bed, naked, with my dog tags wrapped around your cock as you rub yourself. You look so fucking good!”

”How did you know John? SH”

”I know you! And I know your military kink baby! My cock is out and my pants are down around my knees. Mutual orgasms? SH”

”Mutual orgasms! Im so close! SH”

”Me too! Almost there! Oh shit Sherlock! Oh my god! Fuck!!!!

”Wait for me! Almost there! SH”

“No Sherlock! Wait! Holy fuck! I made a mistake! I’m in the women’s bathroom!”


	9. Wedding Bathrooms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are renewing their vows. Or trying to renew their vows

”God help us, they’re never boring!” Lestrade looked to Mycroft, “I don’t understand how they do it but they’re never boring.”

Earlier.....

“John! I’m nervous! SH”

“So am I! Why are we nervous? We’re already married! We’ve done this before!”

“I know but what if you have last minute second thoughts! I’d be at the altar looking silly! SH”

“I’m not going to have last minute second thoughts! And even if I did, you’d still be married to me. This is the wedding we didn’t have the first time, right? Followed by the sex holiday! Are you almost ready?”

”Yes, I just need to do my tie. I hate ties. Have I mentioned that? SH”

”Once or twice, in the last half hour. OK, five minutes and I’ll be ready, ok?

”I guess so. You’re sure you’re not going to leave me at the altar??? SH”

”I’m not going to forget you or leave you at the altar! Five minutes then we renew our vows!”

”OK, five minutes. SH”

Ten minutes later....

”Sherlock! I’m stuck in this bathroom! The door is jammed! Help!”

”John! I can’t get out of the fucking bathroom! What the fuck?!?! We didn’t invite Donovan and Anderson did we? Have we pissed someone off? SH”

”Not the last time I looked! What the hell happened?

”The door is broken! Moriarty? No, he’s dead. The Woman? No, she’s not that subtle. I’m baffled. SH

”I don’t care who did it but we’re fucking stuck!!!! Get me out!

”Get you out? Get me out! I’m stuck as well! SH”

”What are we going to do??? The minister is only here for a few more minutes! He’s double booked today!”

”What are we going to do??? We have all these people here for the service including your parents!

”Don’t remind me! My mother has been squeezing arses of anyone she finds cute. She said something about threesomes! I quit listening at that point! SH”

”Your parents! Seriously, what are we going to do?”

Five minutes later....

”Do you, William Sherlock Scott Holmes, take John Hamish Watson to be your spouse?” The minister paused as he waited and stared at the two mobile phones in front of him.

”Yes!” The phone on the left yelled.

”And do you John Hamish Watson take William Sherlock Scott Holmes to be your spouse?” He stared at mobile on the right.

”Yes!” John bellowed.

”In what has to be a new one for me, I pronounce you husbands!” A round of applause went up. The minister closed his book and said, “now, does anyone have a hacksaw?”


End file.
